glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse