the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists