Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am