I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.