My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.