An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.