It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road