Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Catercrombie & Fish
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
This is not me but this is me
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The real reason evolution started..😂
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.