Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
You Might Also Like
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
worst…sale…ever
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
accurate
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.