horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Monday
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day