I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
You Might Also Like
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…