You’re the unreachable booger of people.
You Might Also Like
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I think they could have phrased this better
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace