I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I love the honesty
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
accurate
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me