That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.