My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.