APOLOGISE NOW!!!
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’m aging like a fine banana
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no