A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
You Might Also Like
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
the three branches of government
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.