Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Ummm
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
going to the ER y’all need anything
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Trying
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.