Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.