The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
it’s finally my moment to shine
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me