guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
You Might Also Like
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
scared to check what name she chose
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.