He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.