How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.