Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.