Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My birthstone is kidney
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug