Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.