Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee