Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
You Might Also Like
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
what are they serving at kfc then???
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.