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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*