Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.