Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
You Might Also Like
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
(Jupiter –
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby