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Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs