You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.