Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.