The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.