Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Who did it better?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!