I’m sorry…what?
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
181.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.