You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
So, can we agree on 4 or
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Good news
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT