[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I have never related to anyone more.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.