Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
This made me smile…
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
this could fix me
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters