Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?