Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”