I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
You Might Also Like
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.