Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You Might Also Like
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
definitely did not do anything wrong
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.