When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
If only.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)