I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏