Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Got him!
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.