On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’