Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
this site is so cooked lol