me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Shortcut
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.