I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg